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To love children, first to love themselves, 3 moves to teach you to maintain the best mental state

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Written by : Family Dynamics Child Play Therapist

　               Marriage and Family Therapist, Ms. Lee Wai Zi

In today’s society, it is indeed not easy for parents to maintain a good state of mind and body. I have met with many parents and found that the difficulty most parents face is not that they do not understand their children’s feelings and needs, or that they do not know how their behavior affects their children, but that it is difficult to maintain a trusting and optimistic attitude towards their children when they are in a situation. Often, parents become increasingly anxious as they worry that their child’s problems will continue and worsen, and repeat ineffective ways of dealing with their child’s problems.

So, how can parents maintain the best mental state to face the stress and challenges of disciplining their children? Here are some tips for parents to consider:

1. Be more sensitive to your own stress levels

Parents are human beings, so there will be times when they are depressed or physically and emotionally exhausted. The purpose of parents being sensitive to their own mental state is to remind themselves that they need to take care of their own needs first. It is difficult for parents to be sensitive and responsive to the needs of their children when they are in a highly stressed state. Conversely, inappropriate responses may harm the child and damage the parent-child relationship.

2. Use resources effectively to relieve stress

When parents feel stressed, they should try to explore and make good use of their own internal and external resources to regulate their negative emotions. For example, find family members or friends to talk to, do things that can relax you, and find positive thoughts and beliefs to encourage you. The purpose is to give yourself a proper rest and temporary relief from stress.

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3. Turn your mind around and reflect

If a parent’s stress continues and increases, professional help is needed. Sometimes, these pressures come from more than just external influences. Parents’ self-worth, worldview, and perceptions of things can affect how we parent. For example, some parents worry that they are not doing enough to fulfill their parental responsibilities and end up pushing their children to study or participate in activities, or even that they are not flexible enough to respond to their children’s needs when they are stressed and negative. If

parents are aware of and take care of their own feelings and needs, they can prevent their negative emotions from affecting the next generation.

Therefore, parents who love their children must first love themselves. Only when parents are healthy and happy can their children grow up healthy and happy.

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The more mischievous a child is, the more vulnerable he or she is?

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By: Family Dynamics Counseling Psychologist

　    Shelly Mok

There is a famous picture book called “Little Mao Gets Into Trouble” in which the main character, Little Mao, often makes mistakes and gets into trouble. Whenever he gets into trouble, he always says loudly, “It’s not my fault,” “It’s not my fault,” “It was an accident,” or “It’s xxx’s fault,” and so on.

In reality, a child named Sheung Kit came to my counseling room to play therapy, and his personality was very much like Little Mao. To the class teacher and his parents, Sheung Kit was a child who “shirked his responsibility and refused to admit his fault”.

Once, after we had started play therapy for a while, he was playing with an ambulance in the playroom and accidentally broke the flashing light on the ambulance. Before I could say anything, Sheung Kit did his usual thing and said loudly, “It’s not my fault! and “I didn’t break it! After a while, I slowly said to him, “When toys are played with for a long time, they will be broken. When children are having fun, sometimes they will accidentally break their toys. Look, there is a box here, specializing in collecting broken toys, so that children who do not want to let them go, slowly and they say goodbye. If you want, you can put the ambulance in there.”

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Sheung Kit didn’t say a word, looking down and playing quietly with other cars. After a while, he suddenly said to himself in a voice I had never heard before, very weak, “If it was the director of discipline, it would not have said so …… If it was the principal, it would not have said so. If it was mom ……” “Just now …… was I …… accidentally …… Sheung Kit’s voice was as weak as a mosquito.

What does it say about a child whose voice was so loud just now and suddenly becomes so weak?

In fact, his voice is used to cover up his inner fears, insecurities, frustrations and low self-image. However, even though he knows he is wrong, he is unable to take responsibility for his actions because he is afraid and cannot bear the condemnation from others. As the saying goes, “A person with a broken mouth should not have a broken bowl”. It means that you should not mention people’s weaknesses to avoid their displeasure. In order to maintain his dignity, he makes the first move and fights back to defend himself, but the result is more punishment and reprimand, leading to an even lower self-image and a vicious cycle.

The more mischievous a child is on the surface, the more vulnerable he or she is on the inside. In the end, Sheung Kit, like Little Mao, only hopes that after he makes a mistake, his mother will still hug him and say, “Mommy loves you! With this acceptance, the child can regain his courage, say “I’m sorry” sincerely, and take responsibility for his own actions and life. No wonder the Little Mao series of books have been so popular with children!

As parents, they should have nothing against somebody. Accepting your child’s deviant behavior and setting boundaries is also an art.

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It is common for families to disagree on how to maintain a family.

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Written by: Director, The Hong Kong Institute of Family Education

　　           Dr. Tik Chi-yuen

To maintain good and intimate family relationships, three elements are needed, including family planning, family communication and family empathy. Whether it is an individual, a group or a community, there is a need to have a plan. These plans should include directions, goals, actions and solutions to problems. Likewise, every family needs to have its own family plan. In simpler terms, planning for home ownership, savings, travel, and children requires clear planning and action. In the process of talking about these plans, it is important for all family members to share them, and for everyone to agree on them so that they can work together to create a happy family.

Once we have a plan, we should try to put it into practice and implement it. In the process of practice, good communication is needed. In a family, there will always be disagreements and disputes between members. If these disagreements and disputes are not resolved, they will turn into family disputes and conflicts, and the family plan will not achieve its goal.

The most effective way to resolve disputes and conflicts between members is through communication. When people and nations face conflicts, there are two ways to resolve them: one is to fight, to defeat the opponent, and to win; the other is to communicate, to negotiate, to understand, and to find a solution.

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In my opinion, the second method of solving problems through communication is the most ideal. And what problems cannot be solved in the family? As long as we can communicate effectively, we will always find a solution that is acceptable to everyone, so a good family needs to be built by effective communication.

To achieve mutual understanding and accommodation, we need to be empathetic, that is, to understand each other’s difficulties and needs from the other person’s perspective, and for adolescent children, it is even more important for family members to be understanding because they are in a rebellious period and need to learn to be independent. Everyone faces different situations and difficulties, and there may be unique difficulties that come from not doing well in some areas.

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If we can understand each other’s point of view more often, we will have different understandings and thus accept each other’s situation more easily, which will make us accept and understand each other more. Family members should think more from each other’s point of view. This will help to reduce conflicts, so that we can reach a consensus and solve the problem quickly.

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Eating meat can grow meat? How much meat is enough for 2 to 5 years old?

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Written by : Ng Pui Yu, Registered Public Health Nutritionist (UK)

Chicken drumsticks, salmon and pork chops …… Adults generally think that children need to eat more meat if they want to grow. In fact, how much meat do children aged 2 to 5 years old need to eat a day in order to grow? How should parents choose?

Nutritionally speaking, meat, fish, eggs, dried beans, nuts and seeds are all protein-based foods. The Department of Health recommends that children aged 2 to 5 should eat 1.5 to 3 taels of these foods per day, and 1 tael is about the size of a ping-pong ball of meat. Parents should choose “only lean” meat for their children and minimize offal consumption. Vegetarians should eat more dry legumes and nuts to increase their protein intake.

In addition to protein, these foods also provide a variety of nutrients, such as

1. Protein-derived foods

– Meat, poultry, fish and eggs are good sources of vitamin B12

– Red meat and egg yolk are rich in iron

– Fatty fish (such as yellow croaker and salmon) provide omega-3 fatty acids

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2. Protein-based foods from plant sources

– Soybeans and their products (e.g., tofu, dried tofu, and tofu skin) contain the same “complete protein” as meat and can replace meat

– Soybeans and their products, dried beans, nuts and seeds are rich in unsaturated fatty acids, iron and dietary fiber

Although protein foods have many benefits, overconsumption will increase the risk of overweight and chronic disease, remember that 1.5 to 3 taels per day is sufficient.

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When there are differences in parenting, remember that “avoidance is not shameful and can be useful.”

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Source:  Family Dynamic Psychotherapist, Yuen Wai Man

Parents’ upbringing backgrounds, education levels, or family of origin may differ in parent-child interaction, so it is quite normal for parents to have differing opinions on something.

When there are indeed different opinions, parents should find a calm environment to discuss their own perspectives and views on the problem. In any situation, we don’t want parents to argue directly in front of their children. For example, Dad can explain to Mom, “When I’m unhappy or under work pressure, I use my phone to vent and reduce stress, so I don’t think it’s a problem for kids to play with phones.”

And the wife can also express this to her husband: “Actually, I hope you can support me and understand that taking care of children is also very difficult for me.” Everyone can discuss calmly and equally in a peaceful environment. In fact, in the parenting environment, parents’ steps must be consistent.

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Parents, for example, are like dancing partners in parenthood. When the father steps forward, the mother should step back. When the father raises his arms, the mother should spin around. This is a natural rhythm. If they can work together effectively, not only the dancing couple but also the onlookers can enjoy the dance. But if everyone insists on their own stance without compromise, the dance will be a mess.

In the family environment, children are often the most faithful and loyal audience, always standing in the center of the hall watching how their parents dance. So if the parents dance poorly, the audience will also be restless, the atmosphere will become tense, and more problems will arise. On the dance floor, parents will also trample on each other, causing more pain.

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If there is a situation where the parents cannot see eye to eye and are in a heated argument, we would suggest that one of them leaves the scene. It’s not a matter of winning or losing or saving face, but rather allowing everyone to catch their breath and take a break. In a family environment, it’s not a competition between parents because the real victim will always be the child. So when parents are in a heated argument and cannot compromise, one of them should step back, cool down, and leave the scene. This would be better for everyone involved.

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Why don’t children want to do homework ?

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Source: Senior Parenting Education Expert, Bally

After school every day, asking children to sit down and do homework is like sending them to war. Usually, there are several reasons why children do not like or do not want to do their homework. How can parents help their children?

First, they really do not know how to do it. How can we tell if they really don’t know how to do it? I have found that many children go home and find that 80% of the homework requires parent guidance, so they can’t handle it on their own and naturally wait for their parents to come home. From the parents’ perspective, they will feel that their children do not want to do homework.

Second, the child actually understands how to do the homework 80% of the time, but they actually want their parents to accompany them, so they will fight for time with their parents. Once the parents are together, they pretend not to understand. In fact, they are not trying not to understand but are unconsciously hoping for their parents to accompany them and do homework together.

Third, they may be too tired. The parents may not have given the children a proper schedule, causing them to do homework in an unfavorable state, which is why they don’t want to do it.

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If the child does not understand how to do the homework at first, the parents should communicate effectively with the school. If the school is willing to adjust the level of homework to suit the child, the parents won’t have to worry about the level difference. If the child doesn’t like doing homework, over time they will dislike going to school and eventually lose motivation to learn. Therefore, we must communicate with the school to see if they can give him some easier homework so that the child can enjoy the process of doing homework.

If the school is unable to cooperate, then the parents need to think about how to guide from the sidelines. Let the child gradually take some courses that start from easy to difficult on weekends, or give some words that the child can recognize, or through some games, let the child understand and slowly enjoy doing homework.

In fact, the biggest concern in the education sector is that students have already resisted learning, resisting going to school, and resisting doing homework. So we must seriously face the reasons why children are unwilling to do homework. Some children love to stick with their parents, but what do most parents do with their children when they get home now in our society? It’s doing homework; this is their only parent-child time. If the only parent-child time is not good or pleasant, it will cause many problems in the family or marriage.

If the child does not want to do homework and just wants to wait for the parents, the parents can play with and accompany the child while doing homework. You can read a book or do something similar to homework near the child, such as bringing work home to do, to make the child feel like you are accompanying them and both of you are doing something.

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A worrying situation is when many parents say, “Okay, you do it; I’ll be here,” but in reality, they are watching TV, using their phone, or playing games. This makes the child feel that you are not really accompanying them and that you are not doing the same thing. Even if the child knows how to do most of it, it is preferable for the parent to spend some time watching him or her do it rather than doing something else. Continuously complimenting him/her while watching: “Good job; you can really do it!” gives more praise, which is the best approach.

If the child reaches the end of the K3 school term, they have already grown up and are quite independent. Parents may believe, “They are so big now, I shouldn’t go with them to do their homework anymore.” But in reality, parents should have a schedule in place for their children to follow from a young age. For example, when the child comes home from school, they need to take a break, have a snack, and play for a while. After maybe half an hour or 45 minutes, it’s time for homework.

In K1 and K2, parents can accompany their child while they do homework. But when they reach K3, parents can use a reward system. For example, “If I come home from work today and see that you have finished your homework, I will give you a sticker.” “If you are well-behaved and take a bath after finishing your homework, I will give you another sticker.” Give the child a schedule to follow and reward them with stars or hearts for each sticker they earn. On the child’s schedule, if they accumulate enough stars in a week, the mother should make some promises, such as going to the park. The rewards are best for parent-child activities, not toys, gifts, or candy.

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What constitutes a language development delay in a child?

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Source: Speech Therapist, Mok Yee Tuen

Typically, babies start making sounds as soon as they are born, such as different crying sounds to express their demands. From 4 to 8 months, they start babbling, which is part of the language preparation period. Children actually go through a ladder of language development, starting with just learning single words and ending with being able to tell stories with their words.

Babies from 9 months to 1 year generally start producing their first meaningful word, such as “ba,”  “ma,” or “ball ball.” From 1 to 2 years old, their understanding and vocabulary expression increase greatly, with the accumulation of single words forming two-word phrases, such as “mommy drink” and “eat bun bun.”

From 2 to 3 years old, children generally speak in longer sentences and can express different needs. For example, they like to add a word to the two-word phrases, forming three-word combinations, such as “Daddy eat bun” and “I want grandma.” Some children start using adjectives, such as “sister eats a big apple.”

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Young children generally recognize more different sentences and start using conjunctions after 3 and a half years old, and by 5 years old, they slowly understand how to combine different sentences and use more conjunctions and start to narrate things logically, that is, by telling stories.

In fact, the language development of young children is slightly different for each person, but through empirical research, we also have some important reference indicators to see if a child may have a speech delay.

The first is that there are no words at 2 years old.

Second, no sentences appear before the age of three.

The third is that speech is unclear and hard to understand after 3 years old, 

Fourth, sentences are still unclear after 5 years old.

If the child is not speaking more and more as they grow, parents should seek the help of a professional to assess and train them as soon as possible.

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Thousands of lies to avoid doing homework. What should parents do?

Thousands of lies to avoid doing homework.

What should parents do?

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Written by: Family Dynamics, Psychological Counselor, Lai Shun Mei

Every time a child does homework, he or she falsely claims to have a stomachache, to go   to the bathroom, or to go to sleep—thousands of lies and excuses. Parents who value character development are naturally outraged because they have zero tolerance for  dishonesty in their children. But why do children always avoid doing their homework? Why do they have to lie to cover it up?

Often, children avoid doing homework not because they don’t want to, but because they     can’t. Children want to be good and smart, but when they find out they can’t do their homework, they think they are not smart enough. When they find out they can’t do their  homework, they think they are not smart enough. They can’t accept this and will lie to   cover it up and avoid it. Generally speaking, children with normal intelligence but learning disabilities will have their academic performance affected to some degree, but they can      perform well in other areas as well. Regardless of their intelligence level, with the right  approach and the right amount of training, they will be able to develop the appropriate      skills.

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But why do people tell lies? When a person feels that he or she is in an uncomfortable  situation, he or she will activate the defense mechanism to protect himself or herself. Lying is one of the ways to escape a crisis. If parents want to help their children, they need to give them the courage to tell the truth so that they can understand what their children really don’t understand.

How do you get your child to be brave enough to tell the truth? You need to let your child know that even if he or she is not smart enough, you will still love him or her so much, take pleasure in him or her, be patient with him or her, and work together to help him or  her solve their problems, thus building his or her sense of security and giving him or her    the peace of mind to reveal his or her innermost doubts and difficulties. But on the contrary, if his experience makes him think that he is not smart enough, which will lead to his mother’s anger and complaints, he will not dare to tell the truth and even activate his  self-protection mechanism to protect himself with lies that adults can uncover at first  glance.

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Not only will the child be unable to protect himself, but he will also get into more trouble  because the mother will be rehabilitated and will admit her fault and promise not to lie again. But in fact, his homework difficulties are not solved, creating a vicious cycle. Therefore, we encourage parents to learn to accept their children’s shortcomings so that  they will have confidence in you and feel safe to open up to you.

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Spinal problems should not be ignored. How to do the test at home?

Spinal problems should not be ignored.

How to do the test at home?

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Written by : Chiropractor, Dr. Wan Man Ho

Children are prone to sitting problems, even scoliosis and kyphosis. Parents should find out their children’s problems early and make corrections. But how can parents tell when their   children have scoliosis and kyphosis problems?

For scoliosis, parents can try the Adam Test, a common test used by chiropractors, by      asking a child to bend forward with his hands on the ground and see if there is a problem  with the muscles on either side of the spine. If there is, it means that there is a high probability of scoliosis.

In terms of kyphosis, it means looking from the side, the head is in front of the body, as if  the neck is stretched out, or the head is bowed for a long time and the shoulders are bent    forward. Most children in Hong Kong have a functional condition, and often, as long as they are reminded to sit up straight, they will be able to sit up straight and stop having a  kyphosis.

To improve the kyphosis, the most important thing is to open both shoulders, use the strength of the waist to lift the chest, and bring the chin back near the head. This is the      most correct sitting posture and will improve the kyphosis.

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Spine problems are related to the foot?

Some children have flat feet, resulting in a bit of in-toeing or out-toeing. The shape of the  foot will slowly affect the pelvis and create some highs and lows.

If a child often bumps his knees when learning to walk or even trips over himself after a    few steps, this may be a case of in-toeing or even an imbalance of the feet.

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If your child has any of these problems, you should take him or her to a professional, such as a chiropractor, physiotherapist, or even a podiatrist, to get checked out. 

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Children are reluctant to open their mouths. Does listening to music help?

Children are reluctant to open their mouths. Does listening to music help?

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Written By: Pang Chi Wah, Certified Educational Psychologist, New Horizons

Development Centre  

Parents expect their children to learn to speak, and the feeling of their children “opening their mouths” for the first time is something that only parents who have been parents can understand. Parents want their children to start talking as soon as possible and do everything they can to guide their children to speak. While oral training is important for the development of speech, parents should not neglect auditory training because it is an important prerequisite for language training.

Relationship between Auditory Stimulation and Speech Expression

Listening and expression, reception and output, are closely related and complement each other. In the early childhood stage, if a child’s reception is not sufficient, it has a direct impact on the amount of output. I give a more extreme example for analysis. People with hearing impairment have difficulties in speech expression, but this is not due to problems with their oral muscles or related abilities but to the lack of auditory input. Without the verification and comparison of sound content, even though the mouth is developing normally, there is no “inventory” and therefore no “supply”. Therefore, parents should pay attention to whether they are providing their children with adequate auditory stimulation.

Diversified auditory stimulation

Some parents may say, “Of course I know this, and I try to output a lot of sound to my child: I often talk to my child, tell stories, describe my child’s surroundings, etc., and I use different languages to do so. While this is ideal for auditory stimulation, the content is rich but similar in nature – it is all verbal. In fact, auditory reception can be very diverse, and music, for example, is a material that can help improve a child’s language skills. Conversely, parents can learn about their children’s language development by how well they listen to music.

Music is good for language development

From my years of experience in education, I found that children with poor phonetic ability will have more difficulty in learning music and vocal music, such as pitch, rhythm, range, etc. This is actually related to listening and sound composition skills. Among the different types of sounds, music is the ideal language teaching material, except for the human language. There is a wide variety of music, with different rhythms or themes, from which children can broaden their understanding of sound. In addition to its educational value, some soft music can even help to soothe emotions.

Play the harmonica and experience the sound and breathing changes

The same piece of music can feel very different when played by different instruments. This is also good training for your child’s listening sensitivity. In addition to listening to records or playing music files on the computer, it is fun and meaningful for children to get in touch with real instruments and actually play them so that they are more aware of the relationship between different materials and sounds. Harmonica is a good training tool among many musical instruments. When playing the harmonica, children need to exhale through their mouths, thus having the opportunity to experience the changes between sound and breathing. When children play the harmonica, they use their tongues and lips to create sounds that are coordinated with each other, which is an important foundation for the use of the mouth.

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Singing children’s songs to learn to speak

In addition to imitating everyday conversations, singing a cute children’s song can have the desired effect of enhancing memory and deepening impressions by using music to carry language. If children can sing along, even if they can’t produce the right sounds at first, they can develop their speaking skills during the imitation process.

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A building is built from the ground up, and training in early childhood is very important for children to have good language skills in the future. Through the use of music and musical instruments, children can build a good language foundation in a fun and relaxing way, so parents may want to try it out more often.

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